Finding Yourself and the Love You Want

Does this happen to you? Sometimes when I’m feeling down, I’ll just pick up a random book and start to read and for some reason regardless of where I start in the book, it seems as if the words were meant for me. Tonight, I was feeling a little down and decided to pick up a book that’s been sitting on my bookshelf for a long while. I started skimming and then just decided to read from a random page. I love the way the words spoke to me and provided me with some clarity and insight.


Here are a few excerpts of what I read today in Iyanla Vanzant's
In the Meantime - Finding Yourself and the Love You Want ...

“When you are not happy where you are and you are not quite sure if you want to leave or how to leave, you are in the meantime. It’s a state of limbo. You are hanging on, ready to let go, afraid to fall, not wanting to hurt yourself, afraid you will hurt someone else... I can tell you the meantime is fraught with don’t knows and cant dos. Don’t know why I can’t go. Don’t know why I should stay. Don’t know where I’m going. Don’t know how I am going to get there, wherever there is. Ambivalence, confusion, reluctance, and paralysis are all characteristics of the meantime” (24).

“We go into a relationship looking for love, not realizing that we must bring love with us. We must bring a strong sense of self and purpose into a relationship. We must bring a sense of value, of who we are. We must bring an excitement about ourselves, our lives and the vision we have for these two essential elements. We must bring a respect for wealth and abundance. Having achieved it to some satisfactory degree on our own, we must move into relationships willing to share what we have, rather than being afraid of someone taking it” (27).

“People cannot fulfill your needs. They may want to, they may try to. They convince you that they can, but they cannot. What people can do for one another is make the need seem less urgent. We distract one another so that we forget, temporarily, what we need. We help one another replace a pressing need with something else. In the meantime, the need does not disappear. It dissipates”(29).

I can't wait to continue reading ... I'll keep you posted!

A Love Addiction

So I don't post half as much as I would like but I'm in need of some therapy and I'm seeking refuge here. As you might have guessed from the title of this blog, I am experiencing some difficulties in the love department.

I just finished watching "Eat, Pray, Love" -- I will do a film review within the next day or two. It was fabulous and I went straight to Chapters to buy the book by Elizabeth Gilbert which I have already started reading. It is quite a timely read as I am desperately in need of some more food, prayer and love. I came across this one part on page 20 that spoke to me. I thought I would share it here as I know many women are probably currently experiencing this or have experienced this in past relationships.

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted -- an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and rolling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore--despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination--the complete and merciless devaluation of self." (Gilbert, 20-21)

Well, I know this feeling too well. My most recent relationship began with my partner spoiling me in every way possible. This lasted until I fell in love and began spoiling him with attention and then all of a sudden it felt as if he began to slowly withdraw all of the attention and adoration he had showered me with. Of course, I became quite unhappy with this turn of events and began to beg and plead for him to "make it like it was, the way it used to be" and the more I asked, the more he seemed to pull away.

But, I've learned a valuable lesson from this experience. I crave this attention and adoration because I haven't learned to be my own "fountain of love". I keep waiting for someone to come along and fill me up, someone to make me feel loved and valued and cherished but I need to make myself feel this way. I cannot expect a man to come along and rescue me from feelings of emptiness and loneliness. I need to feel full and complete on my own. And so the journey towards self-fulfillment begins ... Wish me luck!

Interracial Dating

On Monday, I was having a girls club meeting with my students and we started talking about young black fathers and how it seems as if every time we see a young black man pushing a stroller, the baby inside is biracial. We couldn't help but ask "are black men stepping up to the plate more with white women than with black women?"

Today, I was out with my mom and as we were walking into the mall, we spotted an interracial couple, a white man and a black woman. My mother turned to me and said "what's with these white men dating black women". My response was "it's about time black women realize that they just might have to look outside the race for a good man". Our conversation ended there.

About thirty minutes ago, I checked my facebook inbox and read a message from my cousin that read "I enjoyed this (video clip) and thought it would be a good topic for your blog, interracial couples black men and white women (successful black men and white women) and then the new epidemic of educated black women and white men."

As you can see interracial dating is a topic that is widely discussed amongst black women. I think most black women would agree with Jill Scott when she says she feels a sting or her soul burns when she sees a black man with a white woman.



To read Jill Scott's Essence article, go to
http://www.essence.com/relationships/commentary_3/commentary_jill_scott_talks_interracial.php

In my opinion, it has nothing to do with being racist and has a lot to do with feelings of fear, pain and inadequacy. What message does it send us black women when after years of waiting for a good black man and not being able to find one, we have to watch the seemingly good ones marry white women?

I could write an explanation here and I will in the near future, but first I really liked to hear some of you answer the two questions below:

Why does it seem like once black men achieve a certain amount of success they cross the colour line and marry white women?

AND

Are educated and successful black women beginning to do the same thing that we once complained about, have some of us given up on black-on-black love?